“Hold the club like it’s a bird.”  

This lesson is attributed to the great Sam Snead, golf legend, and famous bird-holder. The idea is to match your grip pressure to the same firmness you’d use to restrain a bird. It sounds good, as far as it goes, but this lesson has been advanced by experts across the world and most of them have gotten it entirely wrong. 

Through years of painstaking research, trial, retrial, federal appellate court trial and error, the CS team has evolved grip pressure techniques that will revolutionize your game and your marriage as well. 

First, let’s examine the fundamental flaw in Slammin’ Sammy’s edict: if we should “hold the club like it’s a bird” then what kind of bird are we talking about? And how should we alter the grip depending on the bird we’re holding? Let’s take a look.  

1. The Sparrow. If you’re holding a sparrow, you’re probably violating some sort of law.  Let it go and seek counseling. Sparrows do not like to be held by anyone and they hate golfers most of all. If you absolutely must hold a sparrow, use a gentle overlapping grip. Do not let the right hand (for right-handed players) sneak over the top of the bird or you’ll promote a slice. And sliced sparrow tastes terrible. 

2. Instead,  consider holding an hummingbird. They are easy to catch and are great over a spit with barbecue sauce.

3. The Falcon. When holding a falcon, use the tightest grip you can. I mean, seriously. Hold on to that thing for dear life because a large falcon might end your life. Peregrine falcons can dive at 200 mph which makes them the fastest moving animal around this planet, except for my foursome avoiding the bar tab. When holding a falcon, use the old-style, ten-finger baseball grip and don’t let the thing peck out your eyes. That hurts. Trust me.  

4. Instead, consider holding a small Pterodactyl. In fact, Snead had a drill called “Strangling the Pterodactyl” which is NOT an allusion to something else. 

5. The Emu. Holding an emu, which is its own sport in Australia, requires a two-handed split-grip. You’ll have to jump up on the emu’s back, a height of 4 to 5 feet, and then lock your hands around the bird’s upper torso, taking care not to strangle the poor thing. Strangling your emu can lead to impotence or blindness. Again, trust me on this one. 

Instead, consider gripping a flamingo. Flamingoes are mostly docile if you offer them beer. Make it good beer or suffer the consequences. 

Okay, that’s enough about holding birds. For the proper grip pressure, hold the club firmly enough so you don’t drop it but not as tightly as you’d hold onto a hundred dollar bill around your foursome. 

We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about practical grip pressure. Join us next lesson when we cover the 57 Most Important Things to Remember on the Downswing. 

Among many accolades, Chip Schotz is an unlicensed sports psychologist and amateur kinesthesiologist who is NOT wanted very much by the FBI, despite the rumors.